Peter Lambden

Copywriter

Daft Flash

Daft Flash is very short flash I write for no reason other than to be writing. It's sometimes topical, often childish, and always daft.


Arseguard

The kingdom of Arseguard was in disarray. The crown prince had renounced his title and claims to the throne, deciding instead to become a professional banker. Unfortunately, many of the more prudish in the population misheard this, and developed a violent and ridiculous outrage.

The ensuing mob gruesomely executed nearly half of the royal family before their mistake was pointed out to them.

It became a bit awkward so, as an apology, they all stood outside their houses at 5 o’clock to give the royals a nice clap for being such ruddy good sports about the whole thing.


Garden Babies

Desmond had spent eighteen hours tending to his vegetable patch, but Darren At Number Seven still had more cauliflowers

Darren At Number Seven had five cauliflowers. Desmond had three and a third.

When Darren At Number Seven realised this, he laughed heartily and called Desmond a Stunted Garden-Runt, spitting at him in the process.

This upset Desmond so much that he tried to self-sacrifice on his shears, but missed and fell into the foxgloves; a mishap that Darren at Number Seven never let him hear the end of.


Mabel

Mabel needed toilet roll, because she was dying for one.

She hobbled to the Lidl but was irritated to find the shelves empty.

“The selfish, fucking pricks have taken it all!” she raged at the Spotty Virgin restocking the Cif.

In the end she had to settle for carrots. Afterwards, she would tell her friends that, while not unpleasant, she wouldn’t recommend using them again.